Eternal
by Rethira
Summary: This is your eternity. Companion to Calling.


This was written largely because of the song Eternal from the AnK CD Ambivalence.

Dedicated to Suxxxann on LiveJournal.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ai no Kusabi or any characters therein. I make no money from this fanfiction.

Warnings: some inexplicit mentions of m/m sex.

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You make the choice to give him freedom. You do not want to, you know you should not even contemplate it; it is not a Blondie thing to do, freeing Pets. Pets are not freed. Pets are discarded at the end of their usefulness and then Blondies forget about them. Raoul thinks you are discarding Riki. But you are not. You _cannot_. Riki is as vital to your existence as the air you breathe. You are simply letting Riki experience freedom, one last time, so he can understand that he does not want it. Who would choose the freedom you have given, over the captivity you promise?

At night, you return to your cold bed. It was not cold when Riki was here. Riki was all heat and passion, all beauty and dark eyes. You sleep in your suddenly too large bed and you wake, calling his name. Every time it happens, you sigh heavily, disquieted by the endlessness of these nights without him. You find yourself picking up the few things he has left behind; a shirt, an empty packet of cigarettes. A thin journal with a pen attached. The paper is pristine, save for at the very front, where Riki has written 'Riki the Dark' in a barely legible scrawl.

_I am in pain from missing you_, you write in it. You stare at the words, as if someone else wrote them. You snap the book shut and place it on a shelf, out of the way. You try to forget about it. But the next night, you wake again and you sit at your desk, the journal in front of you. You wonder where Riki acquired it and why he kept it. It is not typical of him. But then, few things in the world of Pets and Blondies are typical of Riki. Perhaps he simply wanted to write, you think. You put the journal away again and go back to sleep.

The next day, and the next, and the next, you can only see Riki in everyone. Raoul speaks to you and you recall how Riki would fight and spit at Raoul. You contact Katze and for a few moments, you see dark hair and eyes and unmarred skin. Then you blink and focus. You see Jupiter and although Jupiter's face is ever the same, vaguely feminine but blank, you still see Riki there. You see Riki in the Blondies around you. You see Riki in their Pets. You allow Raoul to take you to a Pet show and all through it all you can see is Riki and you do not want to see Riki in the lithe, thin, pretty, artificial Pets on stage. You go home early and try to sleep.

_Don't let me go. Don't leave me_, you dream you say to Riki. You are the one in chains and he is the one with power and you beg him not to leave, but he does. He takes your chains with him. He takes you with him. You don't want it to be a dream, not if you can keep Riki. He is all you believe in, all you want. You do not want for anything, except him and his rare soft smile, the one that reaches his eyes. You want him back but you cannot have him back. You think, a mere whisper in your mind, that Riki has always held the most power. He can deny you, again and again and again, and all your attempts to crush his spirit are simply frustrated posturing, because although he doesn't know it, every time Riki denies you something, it hurts. It hurts so much that you wish you could beg before him, _don't leave me_. Yet even when he denied you, it would be like a gift. His unwilling kisses warmed your lips, although they hardened your heart.

You wake up, calling in the night. You remember the wisps of a dream and you can almost feel him beside you. Your heart beats fast in your chest and Jupiter questions your emotions ever more often. You have always been cold and unmoved, yet now the merest suggestion of Riki sets your heart to pounding. The slightest thought can reduce you, until you want nothing more than to hold Riki tightly to your chest. Night after night, you call out for him. You dream, strange, twisted dreams and you whisper _my heart is crying _to the Riki of your dreams. He walks away, or his crushes your too real heart in his hands, or you lie before him bound in chains and he calls for Daryl and does not watch.

More time passes, your torment growing the longer you are parted from him. Jupiter and Raoul worry about you and Katze tells you quietly of Riki's life. You go to Midas and see him and then one of his flock chases after you. Katze tells you about the boy with mismatched eyes and cruel lips and you think of him like a Pet. Katze calls him beautiful and you think that only Riki is beautiful and no-one else can compare. That night, you hear Riki's silent cries in your dreams, bitter memories from his life as your Pet. You see Mimea and Riki and your heart cries out again, loud-soft, and this is a bitter memory. You do not want to remember Riki's treachery, you do not want to remember the girl Riki half-loved instead of you. You shut it out and you shut it away, until you cannot see anything but Riki's glorious self before you.

_Don't tell me, don't say anything at all_ you write in his journal. You cannot bear to have to remember his words of hatred. If he cannot say the words you want, it is better for him not to talk at all. But in your dreams, he does talk and he talks of things you remember and of things you don't. He never says he loves you and he never says he wants you and he always says he hates you. You wake up calling his name, and you love him, you love him, you love him and your heart cries because he does not love you back.

The nights turn hot, too hot and you say nothing because with this heat you can remember Riki. You can remember his kisses, given sparsely but all the better for it. You can remember his touches, soft and gentle when he was tired, or hard and painful when he was angry. You can remember his heat, when your sweat-slick skin skimmed against his and when you were buried deep inside him. You can remember how tight he was, body enveloping yours so wholeheartedly even when he whined for you to stop. You can remember how he would open for you, spreading his legs and opening his mouth and then when you were pressed against him he would clutch at your arms, your shoulders and he would muffle his cries against your neck. You wish you could just remain in the heat of this night forever. _I love you_ he whispers and you make love to him and your heart stops crying... but it is just a mirage, just a dream. It hurts more than you thought possible.

You spend the next night silent and awake. You stare at his journal, except it isn't his anymore. You have filled it with your own words, _love and love and love and sorrow and don't leave me_ and platitudes for forgiveness. You write in the last words this journal will receive – _I dreamt you loved me. Someday, I will have that remote dream._ You close it and put it away and you sigh and close your eyes and you can almost see him sighing too, far away in Ceres while you stand in Eos. You look out the windows and you place your head against the cool glass and you wish you could truly see that faraway place and wrap your arms around Riki again. But the year is not yet over.

You wake, calling in the night. Night after night you call his name. And yet, he never replies.

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I hope you enjoyed it.

_Rethira_


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